A Lot of Rain
by losamantesclandestinos
Summary: Olivia Benson is dealing with an overwhelming loss and an old friend decides to help her through it.
1. Chapter 1

A Lot of Rain

"_It's just a lot of rain in one place." _ \- Olivia Benson

**Note:** Sorry for my long absence from writing. I really don't have much an excuse except for the fact that I just couldn't bring myself to write for years. And then my brother passed away of cancer and, well, that extended my writing hiatus. So my apologies. It may take some time to get back into the swing of things but I am trying. This story is very rough but it's something I felt like I had to do. (It may just be a one-shot or it may continue, I don't know yet.)

I have written this story in loving memory of my brother and the character of Ed Tucker. And this story is also dedicated to the many people over the world struggling with depression, with cancer – especially 9/11 first responders. If you, or someone else you know, needs help, please reach out. You are not alone. You are not forgotten. And you can get through this.

**Disclaimer:** DW owns everything SVU, including the quotes.

She can't believe he's gone. It was so quick. So quick. One moment they were standing there on the pier, in their favorite spot. Next moment he was gone. Staring out into the cold New York night, she watched without seeing people scrambling to get in out of the cold, their breath frosting across the night sky.

"_What I wish_," _Olivia choked out, the ache in her heart larger than the expanse of water they were both looking out upon, "is that we had more time_." _There was so much she wanted to say, so much she wished she could say. But it was just so hard finding the right words when Tucker was standing there, blue eyes gazing at her with so much affection and so much pain._

_Life was so fucking unfair. Unfair to both of them._

_But Tucker didn't blame her. Never had._

"_You had a full dance card." He smiled wryly at her. "I don't blame you at all, Liv. I never have."_

_But Olivia blamed herself. Had never stopped blaming herself._

"_We'll always have Paris," he told her softly, in that rough voice of his. The voice that used to sooth her to sleep at night, when they were blissfully tired from nights of love-making. Her mind leaped back to those days when he would hold her in his arms and she was safe from all the darkness, all the pain, that came along with her job. He had known even then his time was short. But he had wanted to spare her all of that. He had wanted to live his life fully as long as he had time left._

_And her heart broke once again._

"_I always wanted to say that." He chuckled, trying to make her feel better. Because that's the way he was. He had never stopped wanting to protect her – which, to be honest, made her fucking mad sometimes because she wasn't fragile. She had been bent and twisted until she hadn't recognized herself but she had not broken. She would NEVER break. Never wanted to._

_Not until now._

_Ed saw the look on her face, the slow recognition that this was their goodbye. The one he had never wanted to say to her because he had wanted to spare her. He should have realized that he wouldn't have been able to let go without seeing her face one more time. Oh, Ed loved Patty – she had brought his life so much joy in the past few months, she and the boys….and he had tried to make her life happy, even while holding back the painful truth that he had just not been able to bring himself to tell her. _

_The only reason Olivia had found out was because she had tracked him down. Would he have been able to hold the truth from her until the end? In his heart, he realized that the answer was probably no. _

_He pulled her into his arms one last time. She didn't resist, couldn't resist, and buried her face in his shoulder, hot tears spilling from her eyes. Ed savored it, the smell of her hair, the warmth of her, while he could. While he could still remember her. Because he could feel a little piece of himself fading each day, while the cancer spread into his brain. Soon he wouldn't be able to remember his own name. And, to him, that was unbearable._

_Life had been so fucking cruel to both to them. _

_He finally managed to pull back and looked fondly at her. Olivia could barely look him in the face, her eyes red and swollen with tears shed and tears held back. _

_**Goodbye, Olivia Benson**_. _**Anam Cara**_**.**

And Olivia pulled herself abruptly from the past and into the present. It was so quiet now. Most of the squad had gone home, with a skeleton crew manning the precinct. Olivia had chosen to stay and finish up some paperwork while Noah spent the night at a friend's. She couldn't bring herself to go back to her apartment.

Not tonight. She couldn't face the reminders of what had been, what would never be, and the ghosts of all her losses. Because they were there, waiting for her in the shadows, with shining teeth and razor sharp claws.

"Captain," a soft voice broke into her thoughts. _Oh god, what this time?_

"Fin, I thought I told you to go home." She said wearily.

"Is that any way to greet an old friend?" A very familiar and gentle voice broke into the dark thoughts threatening to overwhelm her.

_No, it couldn't be. It's not possible._

"Rafael?" Quickly dashing her hand across her face, she turned to face her doorway incredulously.

"Olivia." Barba stepped into her office, his eyes soft and kind, his beard flecked with spots of grey, wearing that camel coat that he loved to wear so very long ago.

"Didn't we just Skype a couple of days ago?" She shook her head, in disbelief that he was here. "What are you doing here?"

_Oh, Rafael, I have missed you._

"I wanted to come home." He said quietly. "I needed to come home."

_For you_, were the words left unspoken. But Olivia could hear them.

"Have you seen Carisi?" She asked quickly, before the silence could grow heavy with the subject that she really didn't want to talk about. Because if she spoke it out loud, it would make it real. And she'd shatter.

She wasn't ready. Not yet.

"I stopped by his apartment." Barba smiled, slipping into the chair across from hers. "He looks good." His eyes softened, thinking about the newly minted ADA with affection. "And the cannoli is still top notch."

"He's picked up some of your habits." Olivia noted teasingly.

"Is that so?" Barba fidgeted with his tie.

"You'd be proud of him, Rafael." Olivia said quietly, "He's almost as big a pain in the ass as you were."

"I taught him well." A small twinkle appeared in his eye.

"A little too well, I think." Olivia shot back."And what's with the beard? Not that I don't like it but..."

"I needed a change." He shrugged. "And it gets fucking cold in Iowa! I'm telling you, Liv, you don't have a clue! Fucking FREEZING."

"It looks good on you." She said. "Maybe more people will take you seriously now." She teased.

He rolled his eyes. The more things change, the more things stay the same. They'll always be like this. Bickering until they're eighty years old.

"Liv," Rafael got serious, "as much as I would love to sit and talk about Carisi and my handsome beard all night long, that's not what I'm here for."

"I know," she said, "you wanted to see Noah. You told me."

"Liv." He knew what she was doing. What she always had a tendency to do. Deflect. Deflect. Deflect. Before it got too heavy. Because God knows Olivia Benson doesn't like doing heavy when it comes to her personal life.

"I can't, Barba." Her voice was heavy with pain.

"Talk to me, old friend." He walked over to her and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "I am so sorry for your loss, Liv." _More sorry than I can say._

"I'm doing okay," she smiled bravely up at him. "It's a lot of rain in one place but I'm still standing."

Barba crouched by her side. "Okay, how long have we known each other?"

"A long time," she said, turning away from him. She couldn't – _wouldn't _\- meet his eyes.

"Then you know I know you well." _And you can't hide from me. As much as you would like to. No bullshit, Olivia._

"I just can't talk about it." The words came out in a whisper. _Please don't make me. Not yet._

"It's okay if you're not okay, Liv." He squeezed her shoulder. "No one is judging you for that."

"I _need_ to be okay, Rafael." She looked into his eyes. "I have this squad, I have Noah. I _have_ to be strong."

"You will be," he said quietly, "Liv, you're one of the strongest people I know. But what you've been through with Rachel and then Tucker…. It's a lot for anyone. No one would be okay after all this. Have you spoken to Lindstrom?"

"I don't know," she said dully, "we're not on speaking terms at the moment." And, truth be told, she really couldn't blame him. She had acted unforgiveably. Just one more casualty of war in the life of Olivia Benson.

"Then talk to me. Por favor." His voice was so gentle. _Let me take away some of the pain. We're friends, you and I. The best of friends._

"It was just so quick." The words started coming out, slowly but surely. "We went from not seeing one another in three years to…. He's gone, Rafael. He's just gone and there was nothing I could do and I still loved him." _And that was the hardest part of all. Knowing that, despite the time and the distance, the love had still been there. On both sides. She had seen it in his eyes and on his face. That day at the pier.  
_

The silence that fell after those words was thick and heavy, pierced only by the occasional sounds of the New York City night life. She could only stare down at her hands, choked by the pain, and hoping beyond hope that her old friend would understand without the exhaustion of lengthy explanations.

"Come here, Olivia." Barba said quietly, extending an arm.

And she found herself leaning into his chest, taking comfort from his strength.

"Of course you loved him." Barba said. "He was important to you. Both of you moving on with your lives doesn't change that." He touched her face gently, wiping a single tear off her face."But people make their own choices. And you can't save the whole world, Liv." _Even though I know how you hate to lose._

_"It won't stop me from trying_." She said fiercely.

"God help us all if it did." That was one of the things he loved most about her. Losing wasn't a word in her vocabulary. Even though the odds were insurmountable, she would always, always fight. That was his friend.

"Rollins often tells me I'm always trying to take care of everyone." She smiled a little.

_She's not wrong._

"But I can't ask you for help," she added quietly, "you have a life of your own. You can't come running to help me every time something goes wrong." _It's okay. You can leave. I'll be okay. I always have been. "_I can't do that to anyone."

_There she goes again, trying to push people away. Oh, Olivia…._

"Let's be clear, Liv." Barba said firmly, "You didn't ask. I came. My friend was in pain and I couldn't just sit by and watch." _I could never stand to see you hurt, Olivia Benson.  
_

She bit her lip. "And don't you dare start feeling guilty." He added. "Needing help doesn't make you weak."

He was right and she knew it.

"Oh, Barba," she sighed quietly, "I've missed you." _More than I can ever say. _

"I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere." He pulled her back into his arms. "It's going to be hard as hell. I'm not going to lie to you." _God knows you'd hate me if I tried_. He looked her straight in the face, "Tucker and I didn't always get along. But I got past that because he made my friend happy."

_And you can get through this_.

"You are not alone, Liv."

_And you never will be again._


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: DW owns everything.

Note: I know this is a little bit of a weird chapter but the characters insisted on doing their own thing. Mrs. Tucker decided she needed to make an appearance.

Chapter Two: _Last Wish_

_Tell your friend that in his death, a part of you dies and goes with him. _

_Wherever he goes, you also go. He will not be alone. – _Jiddu Krishamurti

Olivia Benson hated her dress blues. She had very few occasions where she had to wear them, and most of those occasions had not left happy memories. As she looked at herself in the mirror her mind flew back to a few years ago, when both she and Ed had stood together in dress blues to bury Mike Dodds. Ever since that day, Olivia couldn't stand the sight of them.

Still can't.

It seems like death hovers around this uniform like a ghost that refuses to be exorcised. And she could feel its tentacles reaching for her neck, as she always did when she put them on. Shivering, she tried to shake herself out of her gloomy thoughts and focus on something lighter instead. Something that would give her the strength to face the day ahead.

Like Rafael Barba.

She had been so grateful to see him. When he stepped into the room, it was like nothing had changed. Of course there were some superficial changes, of course – like his beard and the increasing amount of grey near his temples. But he also looked softer, happier. _Content_.

The way she felt with Noah, she could see that in his eyes. And in his whole demeanor.

They had spent hours talking that first night when he had surprised her in her own squad room. A couple days later, she had insisted on making him dinner and they had split a bottle of his favorite scotch.

_Sit. Drink. Smile. _He had told her, with a wry smile on his face. And it had been like the old days, like he had never left.

They had spent some time talking about Noah, about his life in Iowa. And about the surprise visit Patty Tucker had paid to the precinct the day after Rafael had flown to New York.

….

"_Captain Benson?" _

_Olivia raised her head to see a petite redhead standing in her doorway. She was professional enough to not let her jaw drop to the floor in surprise but was left without words for a few moments. What on earth was Patty Tucker doing here?_

"_Mrs. Tucker." She said cordially, when she finally found her voice again. "I am so sorry for your loss." The words sliced through her throat like a thousand piercing knives. This was all so devastatingly __**real**__ now. Ed was not coming back and now his wife – god, Ed's __**wife**__ \- was standing in her door._

_What a surreal dream._

"_Do you have a few minutes?" Patty Tucker asked quietly, clearly still badly shaken. She was composed and calm but the redness around her eyes told another story. She was obviously still desperately trying to keep it together._

"_I do." Olivia gestured for her to come in. "How can I help you?"_

_Patty stepped into her office, a little awkwardly, looking unsure as to how to begin the conversation._

"_Ed and I were colleagues." Olivia tried to dispel the awkward silence with some small talk. Not something she was very good at but, in the past several years, she had gotten good at filling the silence. _

"_Yes, I know." Patty said quietly, an inscrutable look on her face. "You meant a good deal to him." She said quietly. And significantly. As if she really knew how important Olivia had been._

_**Well, shit**__, Olivia realized that the second Mrs. Tucker knew a little more than she had anticipated._

"_He told me about you," Patty continued softly, "Not much but Eddie was never much of a talker."_

_**That's for damn sure. Wouldn't use five words when three would do. **_

_Olivia wasn't sure how to respond to this – wasn't certain of what the woman was looking for. So she simply kept her silence. Internally praying for this awkward situation to end – for the silence to be filled. And not filled with the ghosts of the past._

_Patty shuffled her feet a little and reached within her purse. _

"_I found this when I was putting away his things." And she handed Olivia a picture._

_A picture of the two of them from Paris, arms wrapped around one another in front of the Eiffel Tower._

_**Well, shit, again. How much more awkward can this get?**_

_How does Olivia even begin to explain that picture to Patty? What should she say? "Hi, yes, I'm your husband's ex?" __**How does this even work? **_

_Might as well just tell the truth. Kind of. _

"_Yes, we dated." Olivia hated the word dated. It seemed so inadequate to describe what she had shared with Tucker. But how else could she explain it without hurting Ed's widow? There was no way Olivia was going to do that to Patty. So she minimized it as best she could. And it killed her to do it. "But," she reassured Patty, "it was over a long, __**long**__ time before he met you."_

_Patty pursed her lips, deep in thought. _

"_Can I call you Olivia?" She asked._

"_Of course." _

"_Olivia, Eddie and I didn't know one another very long. It was a bit of a whirlwind courtship after we first met at a NYPD fundraiser. But he and I were very happy and he was a wonderful stepfather to my boys."_

_**Why are you telling me this?**_

"_I know he loved me," Patty said calmly, "but I also know that there were parts of his life that he didn't share with me."_

_**Oh god, I hope this isn't going where I think this is going…**_

"_I could tell that he loved you." Patty continued. "And Eddie, I found, didn't love too many people. It was a rare thing, to be loved by Ed Tucker." She smiled sadly at Olivia._

_Olivia found that she couldn't hate Patty. Not even the faintest bit._

_They had at least one thing in common, after all._

"_We fell out of touch over the years," Olivia admitted slowly, "we both moved on with our lives. He wanted to retire, and I didn't. We were just at two different stages of our life. I'm glad he found himself someone who made him so happy." And she really meant it._

"_Thank you," Patty replied. "Look, Olivia, I know this must seem strange that I'm reaching out to you." She fidgeted with her hands, as if reluctant to continue. "But Eddie, he… well, he specifically wanted you to be part of his honor guard."_

_**You have got to be kidding me**__._

"_I would be grateful if you were there." She said. _

…..

"…..so there I was," Olivia finished telling Barba, "completely stunned. Isn't it a little odd to have your husband's ex-girlfriend at his funeral?"

"It makes sense to me," Barba said thoughtfully, "She could tell you were someone important to Tucker and she wanted to honor his last wishes as best she could."

"Don't you think it'd be a little awkward?"

"Liv," Barba said firmly, "before you and Tucker…" He still couldn't call him _Ed_. "….were involved, you were colleagues, and you were friends. And it makes sense that he'd want the people who were important to him to be there. To be part of saying goodbye."

_But I don't want to do this. I __**can't**__ do this. Damn you, Ed Tucker. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be. _ _You weren't supposed to go before me. Of all the people in the world, you deserved to life a long life and be happy. How can you expect me to stand watch over your casket? To stand there and mourn you in public. In front of your wife and kids._

Barba refilled Olivia's scotch glass. "Look, Liv, I didn't like Tucker. But he trusted you then. With his life. And he's trusting you now. To do this one last thing for him." _Because he loved you. _Rafael left those words unspoken. He added gently, "And you know you'll regret it if you don't."

_Damn you, Rafael Barba_. _I hate it when you're right._

He reached for Olivia's hand, intertwining his fingers with hers, pulling her into the comfort of his warmth. _This is what I've missed_, she thought, _I've missed my friend_.

"This is so unfair," she whispered, through tears, staring into the golden amber of the 15 year old scotch.

"I know," Rafael squeezed her hand. "God, I know. But I'll be there. Right there. In your corner."

_You don't have to do this alone. _


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three: _The Parting Glass_

**Notes**: I don't know much about funerals for police officers so any mistakes in this chapter are mine. This was a tremendously difficult chapter to write for many reasons – but I did out of love and respect for the character of Ed Tucker, for those people who put their lives on the line every day, and in memory of my own brother. (And I actually don't know Tucker's badge number so I made it up.

Disclaimer: DW owns everything. Even Tucker. Dammit.

_Of all the comrades that e'er I had__  
__They are sorry for my going away__  
__And all the sweethearts that e'er I had__  
__They would wish me one more day to stay__  
__But since it falls unto my lot__  
__That I should rise and you should not__  
__I'll gently rise and I'll softly call__  
__Good night and joy be with you all_

_-**the Parting Glass**_

The day Ed Tucker was buried was an oddly mild day for New York. The skies were a brilliant shade of blue, with no hint of clouds to block the bright sunshine. It felt almost like spring, which was very weird for mid-January. But, then again, this whole situation was weird. He was gone. And not coming back.

Olivia would almost have preferred it be raining. Why wasn't the whole world crying with her? It felt almost wrong for the day to be so lovely. _He should still be here_. _It is not fucking fair_.

As she adjusted her uniform, she blinked hot tears away. There would be no crying this day. Not in front of Ed's colleagues, his family, and his friends. She would honor him the way he would want, not with tears, but with fond remembrance of their time together.

_What I wish is that we had more time_.

Her upper lip trembled.

_We'll always have Paris. I always wanted to say that_.

A gentle rap on her door interrupted the melancholy stream of memories flowing like an endless river through her mind. Grateful for the interruption, she moved to open the door.

"Rafael," she smiled, a little tremulously, "I didn't expect you to come here before the funeral." _But I'm so glad you did._

"My friend needs me." He said quietly. "I said that you weren't going to be alone and I meant it."

"Thank you," she whispered, "I gotta say….I just didn't expect it to _hurt_ this much."

"You wouldn't be human if you weren't hurting as much as you are." He put his hand on hers, rubbing his thumb across her hand.

She nodded, a little distantly, already putting herself into a position where she wouldn't feel the pain. Olivia Benson was no stranger to distancing – it had saved her life on numerous occasions, most notably with Lewis. The only way to get through the pain was to simply endure it, to put herself in a place where the hurt couldn't touch. She had had a lot of practice.

"Can I help you with anything?" Rafael asked, hand on her shoulder.

"You help just being here." She abruptly pulled herself together. There was no time for weakness. Not today.

"Noah isn't coming?" Barba inquired, eyebrow raised. Not in approval or disapproval, just in curiosity.

"He…had a lot of questions." Olivia responded. "And, truth be told," she sighed, "I'm not ready to handle them today. I'm also not ready to expose him to all of this... He's been through enough. Am I a bad mother for not taking him to the funeral? He was really fond of Ed and Ed….," she choked slightly, "Ed…was fond of him too."

_He had been more than fond of him. At one point... she truly thought Noah was going to have a stepfather. Her sweet boy had really taken to Ed._

Her heart broke a little bit more.

"No, Liv." Barba reassured her. "Funerals are hard. Explanations are harder and can come in their own time. Noah will understand." He looked hard into her face, "_You are a good mother_, Olivia Benson. You're one of the best I know. There is nothing wrong in wanting to protect your son. Entiendes?"

"What would I do without you, Rafael?" She smiled through a brief haze of tears.

"Drink all my scotch?" He smiled wryly. "The good stuff?"

Liv gave him a smack.

"Ow. Rude."

"You deserved it."

He squeezed her hand. "You ready to do this?"

Olivia took a deep breath and reached for her cover. "As ready as I'm going to be."

….

_I know that it's vain when our friends depart__  
__To breathe kind words to a broken heart;__  
__And I know that the joy of life is marred__  
__When we follow lost friends to the old churchyard_

_-__**the Old Churchyard, **__Wailin' Jennys_

"We are gathered here today to pay our respects to Edward Patrick Tucker."

Olivia kept her face emotionless as she stood next to the hand-hewn wooden casket. The casket itself was very simple, the only decoration a small Celtic cross carved on the side facing out. She had seen it very quickly as she and the other members of the honor guard had draped the casket with the American flag. The coffin was so like him. Straight forward, no frills, just serviceable enough for the job that it was meant to do. Nothing fancy. Nothing elaborate. He didn't need it where he was going.

"_In your hands, O Lord,  
we humbly entrust our brother, Edward.  
In this life you embraced him with your tender love;  
deliver him now from every evil  
and bid them eternal rest._

_The old order has passed away:  
welcome him into paradise,  
where there will be no sorrow, no weeping or pain,  
but fullness of peace and joy  
with your Son and the Holy Spirit  
forever and ever._

_We ask Your comfort and consolation for the family and friends left behind."_

Olivia tried to ignore the sight of Ed's family in the front row. His devastated sons and wife, who looked absolutely destroyed. _That could have been me_, she couldn't help but think. Couldn't help but remember..._what I__ wish we could have had was a life together. I am so sorry I couldn't give that to you. _

_I am so, so sorry._

"Edward was a brave man, an honorable man, who gave his life to the service of his city and his country." Olivia's mind flickered back to the day when they had escorted Dodds' Jr body to the graveyard. Ed hadn't hesitated one moment to step up and be part of Mike's honor guard. He had considered it a privilege, he had told her, to honor a fellow officer. "All of his fellow officers can attest to the fact that Ed was a firm believer in the truth. And that he worked his entire life in dedication to the truth, even when it meant making enemies and losing friends. Ed Tucker and integrity walked hand in hand together. For his entire life."

**_I see no evidence to dispute your version of the story, Sergeant Benson_.**

"Whether you were friend or no, Eddie always gave it to you straight up. No beating around the bush. 'Twas one of the things that I admired about him the most. His sense of direct honesty. He wasn't afraid to tell you what was on his mind."

**_Are we going to talk about Amaro all night or are you going to let me buy you a drink?_**

"I was Eddie's partner for ten years. (So in cop years, basically an eternity.) In all the time I worked with him at Internal Affairs, not once did Eddie show anything but total dedication to the job. As you all know, it can be difficult being part of IAB. No one likes us. Not one bit. And Eddie knew that more than most of us. (As we all know, the poor guy usually was on the receiving end of it.) The congregation chuckled a little at this hard truth.

"But he still lived for the job. He hated corruption and dishonesty but he loved us and he loved this city. If there was anyone I ever wanted to have my back, it was Eddie."

_You're just looking out for me. __**Always**__._

"As my brother, Eddie drove me nuts. He was always the good one. Never in trouble. I always gave him such crap….er, such a hard time for being a kiss-up. _I'm sorry, I know I'm in church… _But he was always there to get me outta trouble. (Even though he'd tear me a new one afterwards.) And I'll never forget the time I stole Da's prize whiskey and chugged with my girlfriend down by the river. When Da came looking for it, fit to be tied he was so mad, Eddie took the blame. But don't worry…" Eddie's brother paused with a wry smile, "Eddie was no saint."

_Oh, I am very much aware of that. _Olivia thought to herself with a faint smile.

**_Even for a mick, you're thick._**

"Ed was a good husband. And a wonderful father. We hadn't been together for very long but he made himself such a large part of my life. I remember, the first time we met, I had spilled something on his tuxedo at a fundraiser. I was so embarrassed…"

**_I'm not going anywhere._**

There was still so much she hadn't known about Ed. They had been together awhile but even after you've been with someone for years, you're still finding out something new. You never stop learning. Some of these stories….from his colleagues, his family, his friends….this was the first time Olivia had heard them. The first time she had gotten a glimpse of sides he hadn't totally shown her. Because they had run out of time.

And as the eulogies came to a close, Olivia's mind flicked back to the present. Keeping her face impassive and free of the turmoil she was feeling inside, she scanned the congregation. And saw Rafael. Standing next to Fin, Carisi, Rollins… all of them had come to say their farewells…even though Tucker hadn't exactly been beloved by the 16th.

In the end, he had earned their respect. If not always their trust.

Barba's eyes caught hers and he bobbed his head, as he used to do in the old days in court. _You can do this_. _I'm here. Always._

…

Finally, after the playing of the bagpipes, Olivia and the rest of the honor guard gathered around the casket. The Funeral Commander gently removed the American flag draped over the coffin, folded it, and handed it to Patty. Gently touching her hand and saying a couple words to her and the boys, he stepped back.

As Patty's eyes came back up, her gaze caught Olivia's and she gave her a very faint nod. As if to thank her. _Thank you for taking care of him. _

Olivia dipped her head in acknowledgment.

_I only wish I could have done more._

….

"Tucker 20."

"Tucker 20."

"Tucker Echo 20. Captain Edward Patrick Tucker."

"We thank you for your dedication, loyalty, and service to the citizens of New York City, New York and the United States. You made the people you served your family. You have influenced many for your unending compassion, respect for all people, respect for the truth, and your service in law enforcement. All those you served will remember you. All those you helped will remember you. All those you touched will honor you."

"Tucker 20. Rest in peace."

"10-42. End of watch."

…

_Oh we're 21 shots going up for the officer down.__  
__I held you tight when they told me it's time to let go.__  
__And I know that somehow you knew that you weren't alone.__  
__They called me and told me it's my officer down.__  
__And I talked to you and begged you, but you didn't come back around.__  
__Oh I kissed you goodbye a thousand times, but never like I'm doing right now.__  
__Oh we're 21 shots going up.__  
__I wish you had more time with us.__  
__Cuz thirty three years ain't enough, for the officer down._

_-_**Hannah Ellis**, Officer Down


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four: _The Longest Day of Goodbyes_

Disclaimer: All recognizable dialogue from _The Longest Night of Rain _belongs to Dick Wolf. Words are not mine. Prayers are taken from the Roman Catholic committal ceremony.

_May the good earth be soft under you  
When you rest upon it,  
May it rest easy over you when,  
At the last, you lay out under it,  
And may it rest so lightly over you  
That your soul may be out  
From under it quickly, and up, and off,  
And be on its way to God_

They buried Ed in the corner of the cemetery not too far from where he had lived with Patty. It was quiet there, the hush interrupted only by the occasional chirping of the birds and the wind. Being January in New York, the trees were stripped of their leaves and the ground was hard. But Olivia could imagine it beautiful in spring, his grave covered by the shade of large oak trees, with fingers of sunlight streaming through the leaves.

Olivia doesn't look at the casket, though. She doesn't dare. Keeping it together (and not squirming from the discomfort of the itchy wool) is taking everything she has within her.

_We gather here to commend our brother, Edward, to God our Father and to commit his body to the earth In the spirit of faith in the Resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, let us __raise our voices and__ offer our prayers for __Edward._

…..

"_Ed, what are we doing here?"_

_He turned to her, his ice blue eyes deadly serious. "You can't tell my wife." He met Olivia's eyes for a long moment. "Did I ever tell you where I worked after 9/11? They had me detailed to the Fresh Kill Landfill Recovery site, looking for remains. 12 hour shifts at the conveyor belt, sifting through the debris, watching credit cards, baby pictures, and wedding rings go by…" His voice trailed off momentarily, lost in the past. "Every once in a while, a finger or rib." A faint sheen of moisture crosses his eyes._

_Ghosts never die. Or fade away. They're here with us always._

"_That sounds how I picture hell." Olivia said quietly. She can't imagine the horror, the sadness, the ache of constantly being around the memories of that horrible day. _

"_You start thinking about your life, you know?" He looked over her shoulder, to some point on the horizon. "All the things you missed." _

"_Oh, Ed." Were the only words Olivia could find to say. She gently touched his hand and squeezed it – and he looked grateful. _

"_They caught the cancer in my lungs before I started seeing you." _

…_.__**What I wish is that we had more time**__….._

"_Now it's in my brain."_

"_They can treat that, right?" Olivia asked, hardly able to believe what she was hearing. _

"_They can but, " Ed said slowly, "the doctor just told me I have 6 months to a year."_

_**Oh my god**__._

"_It's okay, Liv." His eyes were very gentle. "It is what it is."_

_..._

"Trusting in God, we have prayed together for Edward and now we come to the last farewell. There is sadness in parting, but we take comfort in the hope that one day we shall see Edward again and enjoy his friendship. Although this congregation will disperse in sorrow, the mercy of God will gather us together again in the joy of his kingdom. Therefore let us console one another in the faith of Jesus Christ."

….

"_Well, pretty soon I won't be myself anymore." He told her matter-of-factly, just the truth, unvarnished, unembellished. "Maybe you noticed I'm starting to have memory lapses."_

"_That's why you didn't remember Rachel," she said softly, in a sudden realization._

"_I had no idea how I knew her." He confessed. "And I was too embarrassed to tell you that."_

_**Oh, Ed….you can always tell me anything**_**.**

_Ed told her that Gary had called him to make sure that Ed had his back._

"_You were going to cover up a rape?"_

"_I would never," he said firmly. "I would NEVER."_

_Of course he wouldn't. Ed Tucker despised corruption. Despised dirty cops. How she could have EVER entertained the thought, even for a moment, that Ed Tucker might have been slightly dirty? Olivia was ashamed of herself._

"_I'm not mad at you for asking." Ed said gently. "I'd do the same thing. But, back in the day, Gary said that he had had an affair with her and when he went to break it off, she accused him of rape. I was stupid enough to believe him."_

_**Not stupid, Ed. Not stupid for wanting to believe your partner, your friend. **_

"_I don't want Rachel or Ralph on my conscience," Ed turned to Olivia, his face determined. "I have to make this right. While I still have time."_

**_While I still have__ time._**_ Olivia's heart broke a little bit more hearing those words._

_And he had made it right. Ed Tucker always settled his accounts._

….

Olivia watched as Father Murphy, an old friend of Ed's, incensed and sprinkled the casket with holy water.

_Into your hands, Father of mercies,  
we commend our brother __Edward__  
in the sure and certain hope  
that, together with all who have died in Christ,  
he will rise with him on the last day._

_Merciful Lord,  
turn toward us and listen to our prayers:  
open the gates of paradise to your servant  
and help us who remain  
to comfort one another with assurances of faith,  
until we all meet in Christ  
and are with you and with our brother forever.  
Through Christ our Lord.  
_

He looked up to the honor guard and nodded. That was their cue.

Olivia and the others lined up along the casket and lifted it, carrying it to the freshly dug grave. Placing it on the device, they stood to the right of the casket as it was lowered slowly into the ground. Patty and the boys stood in front.

As if in a daze, Olivia watched each of them walk forward to throw a white rose on the casket. One by one, the flowers landed on the top of the casket.

_I can't believe you're gone._

…..

"_What did you want to tell me, Ed?" Olivia asked him, that day on the pier._

"_I wanted to apologize." He said._

"_For what?" She asked. "We both moved on with our lives. There's nothing to apologize for."_

"_I should have fought harder." He said quietly._

_And she wasn't sure if he was talking about fighting for them, or fighting his cancer._

"_You did the best you could. I don't blame you." She said quietly. "I should be the one apologizing to you. I should have understood that I didn't have to give you up."_

"_Not your fault," he said gently, "you had a full dance card."_

"_So why are we standing here blaming ourselves?" She asked, with a slight smile._

_He laughed. And then got quiet._

"_I love Patty," He said, "but I never stopped caring for you. I want you to know that."_

_**I love you. And always will.**_

"_I know, Ed." She smiled softly. "I know." __**You never had to tell me. I always knew. **_

_So many words they both could still say. So many words they both left unsaid. _

_He leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. "May the road rise to meet you, Olivia Margaret Benson." _

_**And may the wind ever be at your back**__._

…_._

"Bow your head and pray for God's blessing." The priest's soft words broke into Olivia's memories.

"Merciful Lord, you know the anguish of the sorrowful, you are attentive to the prayers of the humble.  
Hear your people who cry out to you in their need, and strengthen their hope in your lasting goodness.  
Through Christ our Lord."

"Amen," Olivia whispered softly. Although not religious whatsoever, the words fell on her heart like a balm, soothing her chafed and raw soul. Maybe she could bring herself to believe in a place of eternal peace and light. She'd like to think that was where Ed was. Free from suffering, free from pain. Whole. The way he was before the cancer had burrowed into his body, robbing him of his dignity, of his pride, of his entire self.

"Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord."

"And may perpetual light shine upon them."

"May he rest in peace."

_Goodbye, Edward Patrick Tucker. May the rain fall softly on your fields and may God hold you in the palm of His hand until we meet again_

Her arm raised in a final salute, a single tear tracking its way down her face.

And when she walked away from the grave, her final task completed, she finally started to weep.

_Be at peace, my friend. I will always love you._


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: DW owns everything, including the quote from _The Undiscovered Country_. Prayers come from the Catholic committal ceremony. I figured Ed would have probably been buried in the church even though he most likely wasn't a regular church-goer.

Chapter Five: _Goodbye, My Friend_

"_We never truly get over a loss, but we can move forward and evolve from it."_— Elizabeth Berrien

There are few things harder in life to handle than death. Whether it is expected or not, death in an interruption, a tear in the fabric of things. And, while rips and tears can sometimes be repaired, often you will still see the jagged line where the fabric has been torn. The edges may be together again, but the cloth isn't quite the same.

Nothing will be or can ever be the same.

Death changes everything. Where there was a unique spot in the universe that was filled with the presence of a loved one, now that unique spot is empty. Nothing will ever or can ever fill that space. That void will always be there, taking its place amidst the multiple holes and cracks in the universe.

"Liv?" A familiar voice interrupted Olivia's heavy thoughts. She was preparing dinner…or trying to...yet she could not shake the heavy weight of the day. Her heart was full of tears that she hadn't been able to shed. Every so often the tears would well up like a fountain in her throat and she'd have to cough to keep her composure. Even the simple task of making dinner was just too hard.

_Saluting Ed's casket._

_Escorting his body to his final resting place._

_Trying not to wince as the dispatcher called out Ed's name and badge number on the end of watch call. Only to have no response. Just silence._

_Watching the clods of earth thrown on the gleaming hand carved wood, interspersed with white flowers. She had winced as each one hit the casket, as if they were all individual physical punches. Each one hitting her in her chest, her heart, her soul._

"_**By the sweat of your face **__**you**__** shall eat bread, till **__**you**__** return to the ground, for out of it **__**you**__** were taken; for **__**you**__** are **__**dust**__**, and to **__**dust you**__** shall return".**_

_**Into your hands, Father of mercies**_**,****  
**_**we commend our brother, Edward Patrick Tucker**_**  
**_**in the sure and certain hope**_**,****  
**_**that, together with all who have died in Christ**_**,****  
**_**he will rise with him on the last day**_**."**

She had known that Ed hadn't been a regular church-goer. He had occasionally gone for family services and special occasions but he had turned his back on the ritual and pomp years ago. But Olivia still wondered if he had still believed. Whether he was confident that he'd be going to a better place and if that made his fading away less terrifying. If he had believed, she almost wish she could. If only to grasp some measure of assurance that she would see him again. Happy and healthy. Not fading away.

Because the thought that he was permanently gone was devastating. And she wasn't sure if she could handle that.

Not now. Maybe not ever.

"Earth to Olivia Benson," Barba's voice broke into her thoughts once again. _My god, why couldn't she focus_. "You still with us, Captain?" His face was drawn with concern.

"I'm sorry, Rafael," she said apologetically, rubbing her face with her hand. "It's been a long day." And she was tired. So very, very tired. After the services had completed, she had come home and spent some time just soaking up Noah's presence, playing games and reading his favorite book with him, until he had gone over to a friend's house. She had managed to nap, but it was an uneasy sleep, haunted by ghosts and memories of time that had run away with her. _Never enough time_…

He gently put his hand on her shoulder.

"Let me help, Olivia." And she knew that he wasn't just asking about helping her with dinner.

She almost said no, she didn't want to seem weak, but, my god, she was exhausted. Even stirring the salt into the hot water seemed to be just too much. Maybe, she thought, maybe it was okay for someone else to be strong for her for awhile. Maybe it was okay for her to lean on someone else. Time to lay down her arms and rest.

"Okay," Liv smiled wearily, "have at it, Counselor. Although," she hesitated a moment, "can you even cook?" The thought of the dapper, always put together ADA sweating over a hot kitchen stove, struggling with pasta, made her smile a little. Those moments of domesticity… she didn't often see them with Rafael. He was very good at not letting too many people in.

Barba rolled his eyes. "It's spaghetti, Liv, not boeuf bourgignon. I think I can handle it. Without burning, even!" He twinkled at her. "Pasta is my specialty. Oh, and pizza – I'm good at that too."

Liv managed a tiny smile. "Is there anything you're not good at it?"

He pretended to think, a small smirk crossing his face. "Not that I can recall."

"Well, Mr I-am-so-good-at-everything, at least let me help you by getting the drinks." She moved to the cabinet and pulled out some scotch, an older bottle that she hadn't had the chance to open yet. She had been waiting for the right opportunity.

Never did she think that the "right" opportunity was after burying her former lover. Her friend.

"Why, Liv," Barba teased, "I never took you for a scotch drinker."

"I wasn't," she smiled faintly, "not until you and Ed." Admitting this felt like a dagger to the heart.

…_.I think you should try the bourbon_…

"Between the both of you, I've turned into a whiskey/bourbon fiend." The smile on her face did not touch her eyes. "Still love my red wine, though."

_Oh, god, Ed, I miss you._

"This is Macallan too," Barba observed. "My favorite."

"You've been rubbing off on me, counselor."

"Only in good ways, I hope."

"In the best of ways." She responded fondly. "Barba," she said, her voice soft from tears and weariness, "it means a lot that you're here. I know I've said that a lot but I'm so grateful." And it was the truth. This had been one of the hardest of days and he has steadied her. _Grounded_ her.

The way only true friends could do.

Stirring the spaghetti, Barba smiled, "What are friends for?"

Being there for her wasn't a chore for him. It never has been. Ever since Rafael met Olivia that first day before the Jocelyn Paley trial, he had been intrigued by her. And inspired by her dedication, her passion for justice. She had taught him so much, _shown_ him so much. And he'd become a better person because of her. To her…he owed everything.

_The world was an old movie. It was all black and white and it was high noon. I was Gary Cooper. I was absolutely sure who were the good guys, who were the bad guys. And then you... you started to weasel your way into my world, and the black and white became different shades of gray. Don't say it. Before I knew it, there were blues and greens and yellows and reds. I'm you now, Liv._

_You opened my heart, and I thank you for it. _

God knew that he hadn't been Tucker's friend. After the whole fiasco with the Catholic Church sex ring, it had taken a long time for both him and Liv to repair the damage done to their friendship. He had been hurt she hadn't disclosed sooner, she had trouble forgiving him for going to 1PP. For months afterward, they had treated each other like strangers.

It had been hell.

But eventually they had managed to get back to where they used to be and they had both made promises to one another never to let it get that bad again. And now, to see her in such pain was more than he could bear.

He had seen it on that Skype call, the pain writ large on her face. And the effort it was taking for her to keep it together, for herself, for Noah, and for her squad. She had lost so much and so quickly. How much loss could someone take before they broke? She was strong but even strong people have their limits.

Whether she'd admit it or not, Olivia Benson needed him. And he would be there for her as she had always been there for him.

A sudden sound interrupted him adding salt to the hot water. He turned around to see Liv sitting on the couch, shoulders shaking, head in her hands. Finally, he thought, finally the dam had broken. So he turned off the stove. Food could wait. This could not.

"It's okay, Liv," he said softly, weaving his fingers with hers. "It's okay to cry."

"Time flies by so quickly," she choked out, her voice clouded over with tears. "There's never enough time." Her hands gripped the cloth of her pants, almost shredding the fabric. Never enough time…

Rafael moved closer and wrapped his arm around her, lightly pushing her head onto his shoulder. She didn't resist, simply leaned into him, and he felt her tears start soaking his shirt. Felt her shaking against him.

God, what she must have gone through in the last few weeks. To learn that her ex-lover had cancer that was killing him slowly, only to have him end his life by his own hand. How do you even begin to process that amount of pain? Because it was obvious to anyone with eyes that Olivia had never stopped caring about Ed.

So Barba simply sat with her and let her cry.

She cried for the time she and Ed could have had.

Cried for the time they _should_ have had.

Cried over all the losses that had been piling up on her soul over these past few years.

"Let it out, Liv." He said soothingly, rubbing her back. Her tears kept soaking his shirt but he didn't mind. He rested his head on hers, cradling her close.

_It's going to be okay_.

"Let it out, Olivia." He repeated, whispering into her hair, murmuring soothing phrases in Spanish, rocking her close. "Estoy aquί. Está bien."

"I loved him, Rafael." She whispered. "After these years, I still loved him? Why did I let him go?"

Barba realized that she wasn't really looking for a concrete answer but he was going to help her anyway.

"Don't feel guilty for making that decision, Liv." He stroked her hair, willing her to understand that it wasn't her fault. "Sometimes life takes us all in different directions. You moved on, so did he. That doesn't make either of you bad people. So you shouldn't feel guilty for that. You both made choices that were right for you at the time."

"He was sick when we were together and I didn't know." Her voice trailed off. "Maybe if I had known…there was something I could have done…I would have stayed…I could have _helped_."

_Maybe I could have saved him_.

"How could you have known?" He looked straight into her eyes. "You're not a mind-reader. There was absolutely no way you could have known about this." Barba tilted her chin up so that her gaze met his. "_This is not on you_. And, Liv," he reminded her, "Tucker wouldn't have wanted you to stay with him out of pity. You know that. He would have wanted you to continue your life as if nothing had changed. You know how he was."

Yes, she did. She knew all of this with her head. But she couldn't shake the feeling that she could have done more. _Should_ have done more. Leaning into Rafael's body, she soaked up his warmth, his security, his reassurances.

"I've told you this before," Barba continued, speaking over her head, his soft breath brushing her hair, "but you can't save everyone. You know that, my friend, more than anyone."

_Please trust me on this_.

He handed her a tumbler of scotch, the amber-gold gleaming by the light of the candles she had lit. Liv stared into the glass, as if looking for answers far out of her reach.

"Here. Drink. It'll help."

"How do you know?" Liv asked, her finger running over the edge of the glass.

_It's going to be okay, Liv_.

"Scotch solves all problems." He quipped with a slight smirk, lightly touching her face. Willing her to smile and believe him.

"Ha," she leaned back in the shelter of his shoulder. "Of course you'd say that."

"Have I ever steered you wrong?" He winked.

"Do you really want me to answer that?" She smiled faintly.

He frowned mockingly at her, his eyes lightly dancing. "Olivia Benson, I am hurt."

"You'll get over it." She teased back, starting to regain her equilibrium. Beginning to pull herself back together.

"Ay, Liv." He put his hand melodramatically over his heart, as if struck to the core."

"Go finish dinner, you joker." She swatted his shoulder playfully.

"Ouch." He rubbed his shoulder in jest. "You have a strong swat, Olivia Benson. You could break a fellow's arm." Leaning forward, he kissed her on the forehead. "You will get through this, Olivia. I know you will. You are strong. And I will always be here for you. At your side."

_I love you. My friend. My comrade._

She gripped his hand. "Stronger with two, Rafael. Stronger with two."

_Always._


End file.
